For jobless men, confidence fades and families suffer
Published: Sunday, January 16, 2011, 5:39 PM Updated: Monday, January 17, 2011, 12:19 AM
Garry Giannone, who has been unemployed for three years, regularly searches for a job from the Panera Bread shop in Basking Ridge.Garry Giannone knows this might sound outdated, perhaps even politically incorrect — but being unemployed is a real blow to the male ego.
While his wife works full time as a municipal health officer, Giannone cleans, cooks and takes his teenage son to after-school practices. He doesn’t begrudge the household chores — but after three years of unemployment, he can’t help but wonder: Is he a failure?
"I feel like I’m letting my family down," said Giannone, 53, of Bernards Township. "It’s not really widely accepted for a man to be out of work for this long."
For Giannone and millions of other unemployed men in New Jersey and across the country, the most recent recession has been particularly devastating. During the last two years, the jobless rate for men has consistently surpassed that for women, peaking at 11.4 percent in October 2009, compared with 8.7 percent for women. That gap — which continued to hover around 2 percentage points last year — is the widest it’s been since the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics began tracking the data in 1948. Economists say more men are unemployed because of heavy losses in traditionally male-dominated industries like construction, manufacturing and finance.
But along with the joblessness is the collateral damage inflicted on a job seeker’s confidence and family relationships. Many people identify strongly and even define themselves by their jobs. But for some men, there’s also a feeling that — even in a more gender-equal world — they should be providing for their families.
Giannone, a former human resources manager for AT&T, Prudential and Goldman Sachs, says he constantly wrestles with that feeling. Though his wife and family are supportive, it’s the "unspoken words" that bother him, he says, like after he tells them they won’t be vacationing or dining out any time soon. Financial worries have created a strain on his family, he says, with discussions centering around whether they should sell their house, and how the couple will pay for their two sons’ college educations.
"When you’re worried about money, it gets harder to maintain relationships," he said.
The breadwinner burden
The stereotype that men should be the family breadwinner, while not as prevalent as it was decades ago, still exists and can exacerbate feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt that often accompany unemployment, experts said.
Some men withdraw from their families or pick up harmful habits like alcohol consumption. Others cope by throwing themselves into any job they can get, working long hours in hopes of redemption, said Maurice Elias, a professor of clinical psychology at Rutgers University. Men who stay at home can feel guilty they’re not earning money, he adds, even if they come to enjoy stepping into the caregiving parent role.
"Very often, the man in that situation isn’t able to conduct himself with pride," Elias said. "It’s a negative downward spiral that hits families."
Ed Meyers, 59, recalls six "anxiety-ridden" months after being laid off from Goldman Sachs in November 2008. For 30 years, he had been the primary breadwinner in his family.
"I had the feeling and the burden in the back of my mind that I was being looked upon as the guy who paid the bills in the family," said Meyers, a Ridgewood resident who has since landed a job at the Bank of Montreal in New York.
His wife, Diane, a part-time nurse, remembers her husband’s recurring disappointment after getting his hopes up over a promising job prospect — only to be rejected later.
"It was my role to constantly tell Ed, ‘I know this is not your fault,’ but I know he took it very hard," she said.
When a friend in town suggested he join a local networking group for unemployed men, he was reluctant at first. "Guys don’t want to tell guys their problems," she recalled.
But after joining the group, Men in Transition, he found it to be an essential support network. At weekly meetings, Meyers met other men who had lost Wall Street jobs in the downturn.
The group ballooned to 40 members from an array of industries, with some coming from as far as Gloucester County to the second floor of a Ridgewood church each Monday morning.
Members shared job-search strategies and recounted stories about résumés and cover letters that seem to fall into a "black hole," said Paul Anovick, the group’s founder and an executive coach.
"The generations of men I’m dealing with have defined themselves by what they do and their job title," he said.
A humbling experience
For Giannone, finding work has become his full-time job. Two months ago, he landed a part-time gig for Prudential in Scranton, Pa. — a 250-mile round-trip journey he makes twice a week. He also runs a consulting practice, though he says it’s been "largely unsuccessful," much like the three startup ventures he worked on.
He’s still looking for permanent work. Every other morning, as most people head to work, Giannone drives to the local Panera with his laptop for another day of job searching. There are times, he says, when he wants to give up.
"It’s very humbling," he said. "I kind of got reacquainted with how the real world works again."
But the extra time at home has led to at least one perk: He’s had a chance to bond with his 14-year-old son in a way he never had with his older son, who is now a college junior.
"It’s like a forced sabbatical," he said. "You’re never going to get another chance like that."
Leslie Kwoh: (973) 392-4147 or lkwoh@starledger.com
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