Story 1:The notification
All of that talk about cops
has sparked my old mind
into recalling stuff
I couldn’t before
Some would say
the end is near
Others
that I am going senile
What ever the case
I am going back to my police days
To tell a few short stories that
still make me laugh
Until this day
Now remember
this is a cops sense of humor
Memorial moments
Ok I was a big strapping black guy
200 pounds of muscle
Or close
I was strong as a bull
they called me cave man
As a kid
Anyway I was thinking of one of my partners
A good looking red headed Irish guy
Who always had a smile on his face
He was married to a beautiful Puerto Rican woman
And Had a great family
A really nice guy and a tough cop to boot
Anyway he Had a great sense of humor
One night we get a call
About 200 in the morning
a guy had just been killed in Plainfield new jersey
during a robbery
We had to do a dreaded
notification
What is that
When you have to
Walk up to a strangers front door
And tell them
That some thing terrible has happened
It is disturbing
And emotional
And is probably what helps to make a lot of cops
Just a little bit mad
I hated them
But you get used to notifications
just like the rest of the job
Anyway
me and my Irish partner
Get the call
The guy was a black guy
A security guard that had
just been killed in a robbery
We had to go to his house
Ok I told you this
Here we are
are riding there
my partner
Is cracking jokes
o lighten the mood
Ok lets just walk up to the door
And tell a joke
Then we can tell her that her husband is dead
We are few blocks away
He just keeps them coming
Hey lets just take his clothes down off the clothes line
And tell her that her wash load will be lighter
I cant tell a joke
As you have noticed
But he could
anyway
And you have had to had been there
The Irish can surely tell a story
Poets to the man
Anyway
The Irish
are truly some of the craziest
Toughest cops I have ever known
Anyway we pull up to the door
Laughing at every thing now
slowly walking up that well maintained path
covered with flowers and life
Trying not to laugh
Not at the poor woman
but at the situation
Enough enough
excuses this is cops tale
anyway
We get closer to the door
My sides are hurting
I am cramping up
Tear streaming down my fat cheeks
Fighting back laugher
Hard as hell but not succeeding
I put on my straight cop face
My partner puts on his
We ring the bell
And woman opens the door
She is white and German obviously
I know this because If there is a language I could
Probably speak if I tried its German
Don’t ask me why
This big ole fraulien
With a tuff of hair on her
Almost bald palate
Looks at us confused
My partner has a straight face on now
as do I
Anyway takes one look at this homely woman
And says your your…….
some thing terrible has happened
To your husband……………..laugher
He looks at me and really
starts laughing
I mean howling
He cant stop
And I try
But I take one look at him
And run away from the door
I cant hold it in
I run around the corner
And fall to the ground laughing
Screaming
Its like 200 am in the morning
And here I am
fat ass cop on the lawn
of some one house on the ground rolling around
like a child
Laughing hysterically
I finally compose my self
After several minutes
I am partly horrified at my actions
More concerned about the repercussions
Were she to call the chief of police
To tell him of two crazy cops
Who laughed at her
My reputation was already crazy
So I didn’t need this shit
Anyway
I returned to the front door
Dreading this part a whole lot now
I found the front door to be wide open
My partners inside
He is composed now
Anyway it
Turns out this woman was a war bride
And s she spoke mostly German
Very little English in fact
It saved our asses
So she missed out of what was going on
A neighbor
Her sister who lived next door
She sees the cops and comes over
She tells her sister what had happened
The scream
the sorrow
the cops life for sure
We go outside on the front steps
Look at each other
And continue laughing this time
running to the safety
Of the police car
We wont be heard
Those were the days where you could inform people
Of a loss and move on
They rethought this after some one actually hurt themselves
After being notified
So in the future you had to stay with folks
Until a priest or a neighbor could take over
anyway
This is a True story
I probably cant tell it
as funny as it happened
Story #2 a roll in the hay
OK Ok I have got to tell just One more
This same partner and I are returning
from a jail run
Dropping a prisoner off at the union county jail
Anyway we get into Garwood new jersey
And as we are passing this tavern
We see a guy that we have tons of warrants on
Standing out front
We call headquarters
We are out of town after all
and inform them
They tell us to detain the guy this guy
He Is a big fuck
a biker
Long stringy hair
Six feet two or so and about 250 pounds
Anyway we sneak up on him
He is a bit drunk every though
Its about 200 in the after noon
It had been raining very hard this day
And their were large ponds of water
Mud holes in fact
In the front of this bar
I walk up to the guy
Putting on my best cop voice
Every cop has a come along line
A line to let some one know
that if they don’t do what they say
They are in trouble
Mine was and I changed them frequently
They were influenced by popular culture
A song a saying
anyway
this was about 1986 or so
my line was
hey………. you want to boogie
Anyway we confront the guy
and he is being crude and rude and
To put it simply
A asshole
I attempt to grab him and he yells
Get the fuck off me
I grab him again
And say my line
that I have been waiting to say for weeks
You want to boogie
He says hell yea
And jumps towards me
Now I told you I can fight
So I got him to the ground
All the while my partner is laughing
Not helping just laughing
The red headed fuck
Laughing
You want to boogie
You want to boogie
What the hell is that
He says to me over and over
I am now in the puddle of water
In mud and slime
Still rolling around with the guy
Finally my partner
still laughing mind you
Walks back to the police car
Still laughing
He Gets his night stick out
Walks back to my panting ass
And cracks the guy on the back
Hard as hell
The guy just stops and gives up
My partner handcuffs him
Leads him back to the car
I am still sitting in water
soaked
Embarrassed
and angry
The red head just keeps on laughing
until
I start laughing
He could always do this to me
A cops sense of humor
God these were fun times
A couple of days in the life
In the good ole days
Before you got sued or indicted
auf Wiedersehen
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