Warning
cops have a rather flavorful way
Of describing things
So if you are offended by foul language,graphic imagery
Then pass on this one………..i am speaking in tongues………
Testing the waters to see what I can get away with …..lol
All of this talk of bad cops
Reminds me of well good cops
And
not so good cops…………..hell it reminds me of the good ole days
Anyway
Tales from the past
So where was I it was about 1975
I was a 20 year old cop
Yes they dropped the age requirement
back in the day
18
was the law of the land and for a short while
15 was the bar age
At least that how old I was when I started hanging out in night clubs
hey any one remember the scene in Sayerville, NJ
anyway
I Used to want to be cool
And the drink of the day
Was a slow gin fizz
This was when drinking was still fun
20 with a gun
And I wasn’t stupid with it
The academy gives you some sense
we were out of the police academy for three months
Before one of the nicest guys in the class
Accidently killed himself with his own gun
shot himself in the head
my first cops funeral
Damn true story
But I wasn’t the best shot any way
that’s for sure
So guns and me
I am always leery of them
Even drunk
I love them
but like women
I am just a bit
In awe of them
Anyway
where was I
Proud
macho
I did really well in the police academy
Even though I played my way through it
I spent most of the days in class
Back then I didn’t know I had a
Addd. Yes addd
I couldn’t sit still
So I drew cartoons of everyone in the class
I was never really the best cartoonist
That I freely admit
But I was a asshole
I cracked up the class
And pissed off the proctors
Who were other cops
Superior officers
Anyway I made more than a few
Life long friends in this strange new world
My father loved me being a cop
It was a respectable job
But some where inside me
I always knew that I wouldn’t stay more than 20 years
I always knew this
Anyway
I got out the police academy
It was so long ago
That in my department
We carried 6’
Yes six inch smith and westerns
They were accident
In fact my gun was so messed up
That my partner
And cohort
Actually used his pencil to punch holes
In my target for me
So I could pass the shooting course
Later one of the instructors
Tried to shot my gun
This guy was a master
He couldn’t hit the bull eye with my gun
Turned out my barrel was bent
This instructor and some of the others
Called up my department
And read them the riot act
That gun and its holster
Which was a snap on was dangerous
But this was a time when
You weren’t suing folks
That gun would always want to stay in the car
If you got out too fast
And many a day I would look and find that my
Gun was missing
My heart would pound
I would run to the car
And there it was
Horrors of horrors
Rookie loses his gun
You lose your gun
Or your hat
Which I hated and never wore
And you were done
Ok back to the ranch
Finally we got new guns
With speed loaders
Smith and western
357 Mag
A wonderful strong mean gun
When we finally went to 9 millimeters
Many of us cried
That gun would pick you off
You feet
Sigh
Loved it were was I
Ok
I was a city boy
Working in a small town
A town with lots of dark roads
The big city cops
Would look at us some times
As if we were really cops
Because we were in the burbs
But let me tell you
City cops
Yea they got the numbers
But here
In this town you could have 1/3 of a 10 mile town to yourself
If you got into real trouble
You had be able to fight
Or shoot
Or run like hell
So we small town squirrel chasers
Pound for pound
Were just as tough as any one
We didn’t see as much
But that ok
I am crazy enough anyway
We drank
The police academy
Separates you from
Society in many ways
It makes you a outsider
Detaches you
I have never been to war
But I can imagine on a smaller
Scale male bonding or lack of male bonding
We the other of the day
Piss contest
Manley bores
Some times
And drinking
I would get off the midnight shift
8 clock in the morning
We worked rotating shifts
Means every five days
Day off then you would change
For day shift
To 4-12 shift
To midnight shift
No holidays rookie
Drink to sleep
Coffee to wake
I don’t know how we worked
Like this for so long
But It couldn’t have been healthy
Me if I didn’t go to the bar with the guys
Then I would drink from the bottle of scotch
That I always kept under the front seat of my car
I had no fear of every getting arrested
And even cops wives
Who were meaner crazier
Then the men they married
Were immune to arrest
My ole lady
Could throw down beers with the best of them
Get in her car
And she drove much faster
Than I ever did
Boy my old lady could drive
Better than almost any one
I have even known
But lock her up for drunk driving
Yea right
We were the street kings
I was so wild at one point
So drunk and crazy
That I would hook up with other friends
Who were correction officers
And head for new York
We were so wild
That after a point
We would head to new York after the 4-12 shift
Do you remember new York
In the 1970’s
When the whores would line up near the Holland tunnel
Hookers half naked
When new York was new York
When the village was the village
Anyway we were so wild
That after a while
The new York city detectives
Knew us
They would even drink a beer or take a swing of
The liquor that was always a fixture in my car
Then they would tell us
In that nasty new York accent
Laughing……….but not in the eyes
Ok boys time for you guys to get out of town
Man
I ain't lying
But they would have never arrested us
Beat our asses
Maybe those new York cops
Back in the day were simply
The meanest
Nicest
Best police officers around
Ok back to jersey
Back to work
Bleary eyed
But not alone
About a year into the job
You don’t even have your sea legs yet
Hell I never had any sense of direction
And you had to know every inch of your town
It took me like 3 years to get the town down
Ok longer than that
My stomach used to flip
Where you would get that heart attack call
And you know you had to get there in minutes
Anyway you survive and get over it
Anyway
I remember early one morning
My sergeant called me over
To see some thing
My partner drove me just over the line
Into the next town
Their was a sear store there
And in the parking lot
Their was a car facing in the wrong direction
A convertible
My sergeant was out talking to the sergeant
From the next town
He motioned me over
While I was walking
I was looking at the convertible
When I got close
Enough to the car
I realized
That it wasn’t a convertible
The roof of this car
Was torn off
Now dumbass
Realized that their were three occupants of the car
One was laying on the floor of the back seat
A young kid, blond dead face down
The girl sitting up right in the back seat
With a smashed head
Red like a tomato
My brain froze
And things started moving in slow motion
Anyway finally I looked to the front seat
Where their was a black kid
Probably
18 the driver
I kept looking at him
But my brain couldn’t quite seem to register
What I was seeing
Then it dawned on me
This kid was missing the top of his
He had a ditch where his brain should have been
It took me a minute
No longer than that
Anyway I slowly turned
A bit in shock
And found several guys from two different departments
Watching this rookie
I did the cop thing
I cracked a joke
I don’t remember what it was
But there is a old saying
I know I am not saying it right
But how do you know
When some one is dead
There are seven cops standing around laughing
A cops sense of humor is his greatest armor
Anyway my partner and the sarge
Took met the dinner for breakfast
Every one order scrambled eggs
And they made me order a plate
My partner pour ketchup on my plate
And said eat
They both watched me
And although I had never put ketchup
On my eggs I was suddenly hungry
And I am not dumb
I know what they wanted
But they didn’t know the kid
I could pick up a dead body and eat chips
On their chest
I could sift through any thing offensive and not get sick
Hey why do you think I became a found object artist
That shit don’t get me
But let me tell you a secret
If some one vomits
Near me
Then its on
I will throw up right with them
Right away
My wife used to laugh
For torture she would make me pick
Up my dogs mess
She didn’t mind doing it
But knew how sick it made me
Dog shit
Vomit
But not dead bodies
My partner said
Your ok kid
And I was in
And they wonder why cops are a bit different
Could you imagine seeing this
Over the course of 30 or so years
Can you imagine how and why our soldiers
Come back made
The more I write about cops
The more I want to forgive them
Yup those were the days
And racial profiling
Back in those days
They would beat your ass
And send you home
I remember one night getting into a big fight
At a bar with suspected members of the pagans
Yes we had a biker problem back then
The pagans and I cant remember the other group
Anyway some smart asses
Got their foul asses beat by ohhhhhhhhhh
Some cop
No not me…………so don’t start
Anyway these people came into my police headquarters
And started screaming about harassment
Started yelling about being beaten
My chief back then
Who a certain Irish cop
Called the Mushroom
Because he was at pearl harbor
A scary man when he wanted to be
Kind of like the godfather I kid you not
He pulled out his sapper
You don’t know what that is
Is a lead lined tube
Covered in leather
Can cops still carry these things
Oh they have taster now
The sap was much more affective
Anyway the chief pulled out his sap
And told them to get the fuck
Out of his office
Before he beats the shit out of them
And locks them up
These were bikers
They fled in horror
And the chief almost had to be restrained
If any one had the courage to try that one
Anyway
We got called in
I didn’t do any thing
I swear
And the chief
Yelled at my partner
And punished him by taking
Away his sap
Which he had begun to use more
Frequently than needed
I fear
Anyway that was his punishment
Now get the fuck out of my office
Yes master
This negro is gone
My partner got his sap
Back about a week later
And that was the end of it
I couldn’t be a cop now
Too many rules
Anyway a couple years in the life of
This mad man
Hey this is fun
I miss telling my war stories
And hey most of these guys are dead
So there
And remember
I didn’t do shit
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